I am looking out over the abysmal darkness of the Mediterranean. I don't know what the date is; I don't care. The time is somewhere around one o'clock in the morning, considering the amount of traffic wandering the deck, or the lack thereof. For the last seven days or so, my immediate family has been wandering the Eastern Mediterranean; the little trip was a graduation gift from my father to my brother. And so the three of us have been everywhere one could really want to go on this side of the world, and then some. I can't really see anything, out there. The deck lights are fifty feet to my right burning just brightly enough to illuminate the keyboard of my brother's "going away present," a laptop. How things change, but again, how they really stay the same.

I feel comfortable. The fresh sea breeze with a slight hint of sweetness is cool, not crisp, but just enough to make me hate Arizona all the more when I return. The swoosh of the waves is perfect. Not too loud and certainly not understated. Rolling up my sleeves and removing the five dollar "Rolex" I got in Turkey (one of the "and then some" countries), I feel even more free. I haven't felt this good in a long, long time.

There's something out there, amongst the waves and royal blue waters. It might not be revealing itself right now, but I know it's there. That's another good feeling; not necessarily seeing something, but knowing that it does exist. Beyond the murky darkness and the rolling of the sea lies a thing far greater than this that I see before me. The deck chairs... the life preservers... the immense lifeboats suspended above me... the mock-wood deck strewn with some small white pieces of something or other. Those things aren't my soul companions on this journey. Of course not. Beyond the darkness is the true beauty. Sandy seashores... ancient cathedrals... greens hills and white mountains. As I strain my eyes to see these treasures, I retreat vainly. Boy, I sure wish I had a light to see
everything "out there." Does anyone know how I might be able to get a light?

I guess I could just wait for the light to come. The great light that fills everything, everywhere with its guidance. But when might it get here? Who's to say?

It's kind of scary to think what might happen if I didn't know about all of that great stuff off in the unseen distance. I would run the possibility of never striving to find it and miss out on a great opportunity. In fact, I assume that if I wasn't really looking for anything, I would never run into the knowledge of those beautiful places and things. Sitting comfortably on my deck chair staring off into the black distance, totally content with what went on around me, I wouldn't miss a thing. Without a definition of what is to be looked for, I probably would not find anything unless I had an idea that there is something else.

Without anything extraneous to an existence, failure would be a nonentity; if there is nothing to strive for, there's no reason to fail. Have a nice day. Bed time.

I just saw a rather mysterious light float by in the distance. Thank goodness for mysterious lights that float by in the distance! Theoretically speaking, if I didn't have knowledge of other things beyond the darkness, it would certainly do wonders to see something new and weird wander by to peak my interest. Maybe there _is_ something else out there! Hey, I think I'll go find out just what the light was...

Failure is no fun. In fact, not only do I hate the big, dark executor of dreams, I fear it. It lurks around every corner and constantly threatens me. But I guess failure could be used as motivation, for those highly effective people, or whatever they call them. Me, I think I'll just try to keep away from it. However, I have failed and I will fail, it is part of life. What if I fail? Life goes on, right? I used to be doubtful of that phrase. Well, who am I kidding, whenever I lose at a contest of skills, regardless of the means, I tear myself up, as do many people. I hate to lose, but I always remind myself that losing is not failure. Failure is much deeper and darker. There's nothing that consumes souls faster in this
world than that. I'm quite sure of that. Tearing open whole humans and taking a bite out of their insides. Sure, some people don't mind it so much, but those are the people that don't amount to anything whatsoever.

Earlier this year I did a little wrestling, as I always tend to do after the football season shuts down for a couple weeks. Sophomore, fifteen years old, 6'5", 270lbs., and growing. "You can be the best." I heard it from everyone. My maiden voyage into Varsity Wrestling. The opponents: anywhere from 16-19 years of age. Some of their sizes were comparable to mine, but the smaller ones where quicker and the bigger ones were stronger. Sure, I was no weakling, considering. I lost, and lost, and lost again. The kid
that was supposed to bring home two State Championships in his career as a wrestler barely broke even. Humans should not have to face that kind of dejection, losing in the face of intense hype.

A week before Regionals, I went to a preliminary round-robin with the team. In my first match, I walked out on the mat ready to go and the guy forfeited. That fueled my anger for the next encounter. Up next, #4 in the state. I held him fierce; relentless, frenzied. He flipped out and started throwing punches... not the brightest kid on earth, though I could understand where he was coming from. We had a light hearted chat about it
all at a track meet later in the year. The third match was the greatest thing I had ever experienced. We were the last guys to wrestle for the night so everyone was watching us, about 300 people. I punished the kid over and over. Finally, I pinned him early in the third round. I went away happy.

The next week I saw it all again, but at a little different pace. I really don't remember much. I think the first match I wrestled was against some really big kid from someplace. Well, I lost, bad. That was a nightmare. My concentration broke down and everything went downhill from there. I lost again later that day. The last match for me was against the kid I had pinned the previous week. Lost that one, too. I took a few minutes to
myself slamming body parts into metal things, etc.. My coach came and talked to me after a little while. All he could say, as he always did, was that I had to keep trying. That's all there was to it. Never give up; hold on to the dream of being the best and it will never escape you. Now I look forward to next year, a new year. This year was the year of the football, next year is the year of the T2WBF (Take-down, 2[points], Winner By Fall).

I think I read a quote sometime in the last few weeks, I guess that means it's time for

Quotes of Random and Questionable Relevance

"Show me a good and gracious loser and I'll show you a failure."
-Knute Kenneth Rockne

I just couldn't resist.

"Have you ever wrung a wet cloth; wrung it bone dry -- with only the grip of
your fingers and the muscles of your arms?"
-William Sansom
"The Long Sheet"

In regards to human freedom

"I do not know much about gods; but I think that
the river
Is a strong brown god -- sullen, untamed and
intractable."
-T.S. Eliot
"The Dry Salvages"

"Free fall flow, river flow
On and on it goes
Breath under water 'till the end"
- Jim Morrison
"Yes, the River Knows"

 

Sites of Related Interest

Dealing with life and learning
Adrift on a Sea of Thoughts
American Grappler Wrestling Magazine

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